He's Still so Little

My son is starting TK this week.

We took a little staycation with my parents as one last trip before school starts. We went to Big Sur, Pacific Grove, and Gilroy Gardens. The trip was fun. The kids explored beaches and redwoods, played hard, and had plenty of adventures.

It was also exhausting.

They were overtired and had very little downtime, and I was overstimulated by the constant noise in the car. My son, especially, had that overtired, wired energy that somehow makes a four-year-old both completely exhausted and completely incapable of sitting still.

I knew my kids were overstimulated. I knew they were out of their normal routine. I knew they weren't trying to drive me crazy.

And I still just wanted some peace.

The next day, we had another fun day and were heading home. The kids had played hard at Gilroy Gardens, and my son kept telling me how tired he was. I told him he could take a nap in the car.

We got in the car, and both kids were asleep before we even left the parking lot.

I looked over at my four-year-old's hands next to me. They were folded in his lap, and they looked so tiny.

And I realized that he is still small.

I call him my big kid, but he has only been on this planet for four years. I have been here much longer than him. My brain is fully developed. His is still very much under construction.

Sometimes I forget how little four actually is.

We got home and had some quiet time at the apartment. He was happy to see his toys again. He happily shared his toys and crafts with his grandparents. We got back into our normal routine, and the tantrums became less frequent.

And then today, we went to a playground meetup for all the new students at his elementary school.

Some of the kids who will be in his TK class were there. My once very shy boy, who used to refuse to go to preschool, was playing with a new friend. They were shooting hoops together, and he kept asking to be near his new friend.

On the way home, he talked about his new friends from school.

And I thought about how much he has changed.

I went back to the memories of his preschool graduation and the fears I had when he first started preschool. His preschool classmates used to tell me that he wouldn't even say “here” during attendance.

Now he's playing with new friends. He's asking to have playdates. He's talking about the kids he met at school.

He has grown so much.

He is still probably always going to be more reserved and shy than some of his peers. But he is capable of making friends. He is interested in making friends. He is becoming more emotionally mature and more comfortable in the world around him.

He's ready for TK.

And I'm realizing that maybe I am ready, too.

I once say a post on instagram about how you only have four years with your child before they enter school, and how important it is to cherish those years.

The truth is, I didn't cherish every moment.

Sometimes four years felt like a lifetime.

Two was hard. The tantrums and lack of emotional regulation were exhausting. There were days when I desperately wanted a break. There were moments when being needed constantly felt more like a burden than a gift.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing all that time as something I was just trying to get through.

I started noticing who my son was becoming.

He's funny. He's observant. He says things that catch me completely off guard. He has opinions and interests and a personality that is becoming more and more his own.

And now, somehow, he's the kid who is ready to go to school.

I'm excited for TK. Honestly, having one child at home for most of the day will make my life easier. I think I'll appreciate the quiet. I'll appreciate having a little more space to breathe.

But I think I'm also going to miss my little boy.

Because that's the strange thing about watching your child grow.

He can be my big kid and still be so little.

He can be ready for school and still need a nap after a long day at Gilroy Gardens.

He can be making new friends and becoming more independent while I still look at his tiny hands and see my baby.

He's ready for this next chapter.

And I'm excited to watch him grow.

But I think I'll always have a part of me that looks at him and thinks,

You're still so little.