When Parts Of Yourself Go in The Background

 I got invited to a women's conference, and there were lots of different classes being offered. I searched through the options, and chose which ones interested me. I talked with my husband about it, and then a feeling of sadness overcame me. I couldn't understand it. I am a verbal processer, and sometimes I don't even know why I'm sad until I have talked about it. 

After talking about it with my husband, I realized that I was sad because the presenters were people who had the same credentials as me. I didn't necessarily want to be selected to be a presenter, but there was a sadness that my work identity felt hidden. Most people know me as a mom, which there is nothing wrong with. But in that moment, It felt like my years of working to get my LCSW was not worth it. Why did I go through with all my classes and hours to get to a point where I was "just a mom"? 

The Long Road to Becoming a LCSW

Becoming a LCSW is a process that is long and difficult. First step is your undergraduate program, then your Masters of Social Work grad program. Grad school often involves unpaid internships, writing a thesis, and a full load of classes. After graduation comes the hours-collection stage, where you collect about 3000 hours (about two to three years of working). After your hours are collected, you complete two tests, with the LCSW test taking hours/months to study for. 

I completed my masters program before I met my husband, and I worked at a school district for a couple years as I collected my hours. The month that I married my husband, I took my LCSW test and passed. It was such a stressful time period where I was planning my wedding and trying to pass my LCSW test. My mom would ask me questions about which reception details I was wanting, while I was trying to memorize how to differentiate between various diagnoses and treatment plans. I'm so grateful now that once I got married, I was done with the pre-LCSW work. Finding a job as a LCSW is much easier, compared to when you are collecting your hours. 

When My Career was Central to my Identity

For that period of time and up until we had my first son, a huge part of my identity was my job. I loved it, and it provided me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I had lots of hard days, where I was processing a difficult situation that occurred at work. The worst days were when I had to report any type of abuse or complete risk assessments. After I was married, I started working at a high school where my caseload had a couple of students with frequent hospitalizations for suicidal ideation. It was completely overwhelming, and I would come home from work wondering if my students would be back at school the next day. I would rerun our meeting that day and the phone call with the parent. Did I say enough? Did I interpret the situation accurately and did I document everything right in case something happened to my student? These questions would float around my head all night. 

The emotional weight of the job already felt heavy, and then COVID changed everything. Mental health support became even more necessary as the shutdown increased the mental health needs of both the school and the staff. The burnout started to increase, and I would come home completely exhausted. Defeated. 

Shift into Motherhood

Then, I was pregnant with my son, and I knew that I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be with my son during his firsts. I remember driving home after I had him thinking about how I may never work full time again. For context, I went to a scheduled doctor's appointment at 37 weeks, and I was told that I was going to be induced immediately. No hospital bag was packed and I had one more day of work until maternity leave started. I emailed my co-workers that maternity leave was going to start right away.   It was a strange feeling. It had been something I had worked for numerous years, and now I was going to have a change of pace and change of lifestyle. 

The rest is history, I had my son and I did want to go back to work part time. HR told me that it was too hard logistically to allow me to come back to another position part time, so I entered into the Telehealth world and worked a couple hours a week.  

That season of life forced me to reflect on identity and what truly defines me as an individual. For so many years, my ability to help others through therapy was at the forefront of how I saw myself and how I contributed to the world. My work gave me purpose, structure, and fulfillment.

Motherhood slowly shifted those priorities. Now, what I value most is watching my children grow and being present enough to support and enjoy those moments with them.

We Are Rarely Just One Thing

At the same time, becoming a mom did not erase the therapist in me. I am still the LCSW who loves the process of therapy and witnessing growth and healing in others. The difference is that much of that emotional investment is now centered around my children instead of a caseload of clients. I still see a couple clients a week at night. However, for the most part, my LCSW role exists more quietly in the background during this season of life.

Similar to mixed emotions, we are rarely just one thing. We can deeply miss parts of our old identity while still fully loving the season we are currently in. We can feel fulfillment and grief, gratitude and uncertainty, all at the same time.

I can love being home with my children and still miss the visibility of the professional role I worked so hard for. Both can be true at once.

I am still a mom, mental health therapist, wife, daughter, runner, travel lover, and musician. Some parts of me are simply louder in this season than others.