Love Looks Like Showing Up

I FaceTimed with my grandpa, who is turning 91 this summer. I haven't talked with him for a while, since he doesn't talk much on phone calls. But now, I'm wishing that I would have had more of them. The phone calls are usually only a couple of minutes long, and they often repeat the same thoughts. I always wanted to hear more from him.

My grandpa has been on hospice, and he has pneumonia. My parents told me that this round of pneumonia might be the end. We have gone through this cycle a couple of times before. I grieve over my grandpa's potential passing, and then he gets better.

But this time felt different.

My brother gave me a forewarning that he was not doing well before we started the call. When I saw him on FaceTime, I could see what my brother meant. He was mostly unresponsive except for a couple of words and arm movements. My brother was in the room with him and repeated much of what we were saying. He had a tube going through his nose, and his mouth hung open. It was hard to see him that way because it didn't feel like the grandpa from so many of my sweet memories.

I told him how much I loved him. My kids had the cutest smiles, and my brother described their smiles to him. Before the call, we told them they couldn't make loud noises, and they did such a good job.

When I got off the phone, I felt lots of mixed emotions.

Happiness that my grandpa may soon be reunited with my grandma. Sadness that this may be the last time I see him. Gratitude for the memories I have with him.

My son wanted to see photos of my grandpa, so we searched Google Photos. Pictures popped up from different stages of my life. He was the sealer at my wedding. He was there at my college graduation and when I first went to the temple. There were pictures of him holding my son as a baby, eating lunch with my son as a toddler, and spending time with both of my kids at his 90th birthday party.

That is when the gratitude and sadness really surfaced.

How lucky I am to have these photos to show my kids as they grow up, and how sad I am that they likely won't remember him. They won't know him the way I do, and they won't have the relationship with him that I have been blessed to have.

My grandpa is one of my favorite people. Looking through those photos reminded me that he showed his love by showing up at the most important moments in my life. He made time for me. He listened to me when I was struggling in college. He cared about what was happening in my life.

Going to BYU–Idaho was not my first choice after high school. At the time, I didn't think it was what would be best for me or my future. But it ended up being one of the greatest blessings for my relationship with my grandpa. I don't know if I would have gotten to know him in such a meaningful way otherwise.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And while I don't know exactly when that goodbye will come, I am grateful that it will only be temporary. I believe I will see him again, along with my grandma.

One of my most tender memories of my grandpa was after I went through a breakup. I told him how lonely I was and how difficult it felt to move forward. He listened to me and then told me about his own loneliness. He missed his wife every day and wanted to be with her again.

I remember thinking that I wanted a love like that. A love worth waiting for.

As I think about him now, I imagine my grandma waiting for him whenever that reunion comes. And when it does, I know it will be sweet.