Learning to See the Whole Child

My two year old daughter is the cutest, most precious girl in the world. A couple months ago, we were at the park, and she was getting frustrated over someone else’s doll. The other girl’s nanny didn’t want me to intervene, so we let them try to work it out. She then bit the other girl, and I felt awful.

Since then, we have had a couple of other biting incidents at parks, and I feel bad every time. The guilt and shame response has decreased over time. The first time, I came back from the park crying. What was I doing wrong that my daughter was biting? ChatGPT and talking with other friends validated that biting is developmental. I learned how to respond to her and tried to remind myself that I was doing nothing wrong as a parent.

But the thought that my daughter was the girl causing physical harm to another child always made me feel bad. Some parents are very understanding, and they brush it off. They tell me that it is okay, and we move to another part of the park or head home. However, in one instance, the dad got so angry that he yelled at my husband and me in front of a large crowd. We apologized, and he kept yelling as we walked away.

Since then, going to parks with my daughter can be a trigger point for stress when the park is crowded. I feel like I can’t just let her play without keeping my eyes on her. I watch for any signs of frustration, and I try to separate her from situations since I know that biting is a potential consequence.

But today, I saw my daughter run off to another part of the park. I could see her from a distance, and I watched her play with another girl. Immediately, I felt the alarm go off in my head that I needed to get closer. I walked over there, and I saw the other mom smiling at my daughter. The other girl was also two years old, and they were having the time of their lives. My daughter is very extroverted and seems to want to make friends everywhere we go. She would look at the other girl, and they would laugh as they went down the slide.

I talked with the other mom, and we recognized that our kids had similar personalities. They were both fearless, independent, and all over the place. They were so cute playing together. They loved giving each other high fives and hugs.

There was a sense of relief that came over me, and I realized my girl was not a biter. She was just a two year old who lacked the ability to communicate her frustration. Deep down, she was this sweet girl with a fun-loving spirit.

I was now watching my daughter not out of caution, but out of joy. Watching these two girls who had just met give each other hugs showed a sense of kindness that we need in the world. Toddlerhood is messy and difficult at times, but it can also show pure love and innocence.

I will still watch my daughter closely at the park, but I no longer want fear to define every interaction. Because sometimes, instead of a bite, there are hugs and high fives and little friendships formed at the top of a slide.

I think, as parents, we can sometimes focus so hard on one difficult behavior that we lose sight of the whole child standing in front of us. Today reminded me that my daughter is not defined by her hardest moments. She is a joyful little girl still learning how to navigate the world.