Dating Yourself After Babies

 I remember after I had my daughter, I told my husband that I didn't feel like myself. I couldn't remember my hobbies. I couldn't remember what my pre-baby life felt like. The endless days and repetitive behavior made it seem like I was stuck. He had me write down a list of the hobbies that I wanted to do again, and I enjoyed the thought of having hobbies again. But then the idea of how I would incorporate them back into my life felt impossible. 

I know that I am not the only one who has felt this way. The postpartum period is difficult for various reasons, since the amount of time and energy that you give to your infant (especially if you are nursing) feels like a job. 

After talking with friends, they told me that I needed to have a night where I could go out and do something on my own. It would give me something to look forward to, and it would help me feel like I could have some freedom. This piece of advice was a game changer. At first, it was difficult since my toddler only wanted me, and I was exclusively nursing. I would start with small time periods where I would leave. 

The first couple of times I felt lost going out without my children with me. My sister in law said that it should be fun, so I was trying to think about what was fun. My mind came blank. I would go to the library and just enjoy silence. I would go on a walk outside and listen to a podcast. I started to look forward to it. 

After a month or two of doing this, I realized that I was dating myself. I was relearning about myself as a person outside of being a mom. 

Motherhood is a consuming thing. You give up your body, your job (if you are a stay at home mom), your time, your sleep, and your social life (or what it feels like). I chose to be a stay at home mom, and I still want to continue, however I feel like it is hard to not completely let the motherhood identity consume me. It is not my only identity, but it is the one that is most needed and relevant right now. This is something I have to remind myself constantly. 

This process of dating myself has been really helpful in remembering quality traits that I like about myself. I remember the goals I was working on, and I could still work on. 

I was on the phone talking with a friend about about a memory from a couple years ago. It was before I met my husband, and she described to me a funny reaction I had that her family still remembers. I then thought, "I used to be funny". That part of myself I don't feel is as activated now with my kids, since most of my time is keeping my 15 month safe by not climbing the table. It was a good reminder that my humor and my ability to connect with my friends is a strong value that is still in me, even if I don't access as much now. It never left me. 

So, here is a challenge. If you are feeling like me, where there are parts of your life or self that you miss. Date yourself. Get to know yourself outside of being a mom. Being a mom is a core part of who you are and what you do, but what was your pre-kid self like? Are there parts that you miss or want to bring back? 

It can seem overwhelming, but start small. Take yourself on a date, and do something just for you. Remind yourself about memories, hobbies, skills, goals or interests that would help you access another part of you. I think it helps when it is scheduled, since life's business can come in and make it hard to leave. If it is overwhelming, then keep it simple and do small things. Once you feel like you have energy to plan something, invite or don't invite others along. Keep it consistent and don't let the guilt step in. You dating yourself is a form of self-care. It will help keep resentment down and help you feel more gratitude for your children as you walk away. 

Rediscovering yourself is a lifelong journey, and you taking the time to find yourself again can help you show up to be your best self. So, ask yourself out on a date and maybe you will surprise yourself in how much you enjoy your own company again.