What Defines a Mom

A couple years ago, I was in Malibu for my husband's grad school program event. My son was a toddler at the time. My parents watched him for the weekend in LA while I was with my husband. My husband and I were going up an elevator to go see the Getty Villa, and I pulled out a snack. My husband asked for something he forgot in the car, and I had in the bag. Another woman in the elevator turned around and said, "I can tell you are a mom". 

It made me think. I was not wearing a mom badge. What was I doing that clearly defined me as a mom to this stranger? 

Defining motherhood is individualistic. I think it's personal. 

Of course we have things that mothers do that we could use as identifiers. 

Moms are

homemakers

endless laundry doers

schedule keepers

book readers

personal handkerchiefs for their kids when they cry on them

personal drivers for school and activities

alarm clocks in the morning

The list could go on, and it would look different for the various roles each individual moms play, along with what season of life your kids are in. 

I have been thinking about this because my view of what a mom should look like and do seemed like a rule book in my head. It was more of a black and white type of thinking. You are either a good mom, or you are not.

 Leaving no gray room is a very unkind thing to do for oneself. How long can one sustain consistency in one thing? Once you break your habits/routine of "good" behavior, you should just give up. No use in trying again, because you failed in being good in whatever you were measuring. This is the danger of black and white thinking. You can't give yourself grace or acknowledge any good when there is some type of slip back because it is not 100%. 

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. This added self/societal pressure to be a certain way can be exhausting. Motherhood and simply life, can be so demanding. Why are we putting pressure on ourselves to be more?

So, I did my reframing. I asked myself to throw out all the definitions of what motherhood is. I threw out what I think other people's expectations were. 

And I asked myself this question: What defines a mom?

Safe place. 

I am my daughter and my son's safe place. Yes, I am their personal chef and driver. But no one can ever take my role of being their safe place. 

Why is this important? 

It has shifted how I view my role as a mom. The tiny (yet needed) things I do on a daily basis don't hold the same value to me as my ability to nurture a home where my children feel loved and safe. 

My daughter is a fierce, independent toddler. Yet when she falls and gets hurt, her eyes fill up her tears and she runs to me. I hold her and she knows she will be okay, How powerful it is that an individual can hold that space for someone. 

It allows for your child to grow up in a home where they can be confident in their parents love and trust. The small bumps and bruises that occur and get "kissed" better by a mom builds up to a loving and secure attachment. It creates a belief system that there is always someone in the world that will love them, even if the fail. 

So, I can let the laundry pile up. There can be crumbs on the floor after the kids get into the pantry. Letting go of some of these extra things moms must to to be "good" can help us remember what is the ultimate goal. Make your home a safe place and be the safe place for your kids.