What Motherhood Took and What it Gave Back

I told someone that we could just ditch our plans of preschool and go on a little trip. But then life happened. Fevers. Grumpy toddler. My idea about ditching preschool and going on a day trip was no longer possible. At the end of the night, I had vomit in my hair and on the kitchen floor. 

This is not my favorite part of motherhood. 

I was able to shower and do laundry. The clothes no longer smelled like vomit, and I was eventually clean. 

That following night, my daughter was up multiple times not feeling well, and I started to feel the grief dig in deeper.  

My ability to plan things and follow through is dependent on my children's health. I am no longer my spontaneous version of myself. I am the dependable caregiver who provides nourishment, love and help to a sick toddler. 

I felt so stuck between who I used to be and who I have to be now that I asked ChatGPT to name what I couldn't. ChatGPT can be very validating, as it talked about the loss of freedom that a mom experiences while having young children in the house. It told me how I can regain some freedom with small decisions. It also talked about how this season of life is more limiting. My children are much more dependent on me. But they won't be forever. 

So, I decided to let this grief sink in for a little bit. Let myself miss my ability to make decisions on a whim. Not even consider my daughter's nap time and my preschooler's need for snacks. I dreamt of the day when I could just wake up on a Saturday with an open day with no responsibilities. Where should I go? How long do I want to be there? It seemed really nice. 

But, something happened that was unexpected. 

I realized I was gaining a new part of me that I wouldn't have if I was not a mom to my two kids. 

I would not have this deep sense of protection for another human being as much as I do for my children. My mama bear love has come out since I have my kids. As much as the nights are hard with my daughter not feeling well, I also have this deep desire to comfort her. I can imagine her discomfort and I want to be the one to provide relief. 

So, I came back to my original feeling of loss. Yes, I may not be able to drop plans and make new ones right now with my littles at home. ChatGPT is right, they won't be little forever. I will be able to do more spontaneous things with my kids when they get older. And, maybe a little reframing is in order. 

I'm giving up some spontaneity, but I am developing strong attachments with my children. I am learning how to love them and put their needs above mine. Even if it's hard at times, maybe I'm becoming a better version of myself. 

Sometimes I think we could benefit from a healthy reframe. We live in an individualistic world, where what you want and need is important. That is true, but learning how to care for others and sacrifice for the greater need of others is needed in this world too. 

Maybe this season asks more of me, but maybe it’s also teaching me how love grows when I let myself be changed.