The Mom in the Park

 Kelsea Ballerini came out with a new song, I Sit in Parks, and it has me feeling all the feels about motherhood. 

She talks about her experience being in a park in the lyrics below: 

"I sit in parks, it breaks my heart

Cause I see how far I am from the things that I want

Dad brought the picnic, Mom brought the sunscreen 

Two kids are laughing and crying on red swings

We look about the same age

But we don't have the same Saturday's"

I am often the mom in the park that forgot about the sunscreen.  I have two kids who laugh and cry on the swing. My Saturday's are not special in any way regarding rest like my pre-kid life.  My Saturday's are another day of morning routines of breakfast, diaper changes, dishes, and planning our daily activities. I am the mom that Kelsea Ballerini is talking about. 

The line that hit me the most in this song was "I wonder if she wants my freedom like I wanna be a mother."

When I heard her sing about freedom, my heart was tugged. My kids are my entire world, but I do miss the ability to choose when and where I go without thinking about my kid's needs sometimes. I miss the ability to talk with my friends without disruptions. I miss the ability to have free time to do hobbies and explore other goals. I would like to go to the bathroom without a child wanting to come talk to me or get my attention. 

I recognize that there are seasons of life and developmental stages that are easier/harder to go through. Motherhood will not always look like my current stage. My kids will grow, and they will enter into a more independent time. But recognizing this doesn't always lessen the feeling of limitation. 

But this song helped with the reframing and greater perspective. I overhead someone say that "your challenges are someone else's wishes". My heart broke for Kelsea Ballerini. As much as I complain about feeling tired or overwhelmed at times, my kids do bring me so much joy. I know that Kelsea Ballerini represents so many women with the same desire. I just want to be a mother. 

So, yesterday I sat in a park. My kids were in the swings laughing and crying. As I pushed them, I watched them smile at each other. Time seemed to slow down, and it was just me and my kids in what felt like a bubble. We were alone in the park, and the normal things that would make me feel irritated seemed to diminish. I am their mother and this is the greatest blessing in the world. 

The gratitude I felt for my life in that moment took away the frustrations I felt previously in the day about feeling limited. I saw someone's post about going to a broadway show. I thought to myself, "how fun", but then I yearned for a night out. It is doable, but sometimes planning a date night seems difficult. Will my kids like the babysitter? Will we trust them? Will they actually go down with the babysitter there? 

So, I let my gratitude sink in and I enjoy this moment in the park. Yes, I am the mom that Kelsea Ballerini talks about missing my freedom at times. Yet, I am also the mom who soaked in a beautiful sunset with my kids laughing in the swing.