You're Doing Better Than You Think

Today at church, we had a lesson, and other women started talking about their own negative self-thoughts. I saw myself in those thoughts and felt so seen. I looked at these women who seemed to have everything put together, and realized they fight their own internal struggles too.

The internal struggles seemed to boil down to the same thought: “You are not enough.” What that looked like varied depending on our stages of life, but the shared thought was powerful. I wasn’t alone.

Often, my insecurities tell me that I’m alone in a thought, feeling, or situation. That belief makes those feelings worse and makes me want to isolate or not share my true thoughts. This is how shame builds up,  and shame thrives on silence. It loves when you give in to your own negative self-talk.

Later, I talked with another mom who told me about her recent struggles and how she felt like a complete failure. I listened to her and validated her, reminding her that she showed up, and that she was doing the hard work of being a mom. That was enough.

My words seemed to encourage her, and then I realized I needed to hear those same words myself.

In that moment, I was evaluating my own “performance” and giving myself a decent grade. I wasn’t failing, but I felt average. Once I realized I could benefit from the same validation I offered someone else, I tried to reframe:

“You’re doing better than you think.”

That thought was comforting until the evidence of all the things I still needed to improve came rushing in.

I actually talked about this process with my therapist (yes, I started therapy for myself — and it’s been great!). I get frustrated that my reframing doesn’t “stick” as long as I’d like. I know how to identify unhealthy thoughts, but why do I have to reframe them again and again and again?

He pointed out that my expectations aren’t realistic — that I need to make them more attainable. That was my lightbulb moment. I need to redefine what success as a mom and as a human looks like.

The idea of “having it all” sounds great, but it’s not achievable. It always creates a sense of inadequacy. Something will inevitably slip, and then shame starts creeping back in.

So here’s my new goal: change my definition of success.

Sometimes, success looks like survival mode. And if that’s the mode you’re in today, this week, or this season, cheer yourself on and remind yourself: “You’re doing better than you think.”

And let’s also be better at cheering on others. Be that voice for someone else. You never know who needs to hear it,  even the ones who seem to have it all together.