Ode to My Grandpa

 It was tough night last night with my daughter teething. I was running low on sleep and feeling it. Then I got the text that my grandpa was going on hospice. We have known that he has had his health decline multiple times and that hospice was in the near future.  We have had to say potential goodbye multiple times at this point with him going into the hospital. But, the fact that this was hospice now hit me differently.  I finally let myself believe it and accept it. The other times we talked about it, I just thought about how it was in the future. My teething daughter woes seemed so minimal at this point. I was having to say goodbye to my grandpa with an undetermined timeline. 

I called him on the phone and had a short phone call. I then weeped. This was my grandpa who I have had so many wonderful memories with. How can I thank him for all the kindness and love he has shown me? How can I handle my grief?  My son watched me cry and said, "mom it's okay". Trying to describe to my son how his great grandfather's condition didn't sound like a task I wanted to take on. My son just gave me lots of hugs. 

I was very lucky to have so many memories of going up to my grandparents house as a child during the summers. They were the best summers of climbing trees, eating popsicles, playing night games, and being with our cousins. I thought my grandpa's house was the coolest, and I still do now. 

Fast forward, I didn't get accepted into my college of choice, BYU, and I went to BYU Idaho as a freshman. That was crushing to my dreams, but it was the best to be close to my grandpa. They were the years I really got to know him, and they are some of the memories I cherish now. 

He had the best couch to sleep on for catnaps during the day. He would often bring me toast as I was studying at his house, and talk to me about my classes. He had fresh bread on a regular basis and he would often give me some to take home. When it was cold outside, he would have hot chocolate with me. He taught me how to make toffee, and I would help him make all the candy. I would often ask him how he knew it was done, and he just would look at the color. When I was watching the Great British Baking Show this last week, they were talking about the same thing. I instantly thought about my grandpa and the pounds of toffee he would make. There would be cookie sheets lined up with all types of chocolate in his garage during Christmas time, just waiting to be dropped off at people's houses. I would often joke with him about how popular he was, since the neighbors would often drop off food and come over to talk to my grandpa. Christmas decorating was a favorite as my grandma had decorations for what seemed to be every inch of the house. I remember talking about music while helping him put out music boxes and  the snow village. We would listen to some of my favorites (Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra), as we watched snowflakes fall from his big window in the family room. 

Some funny memories I have include when he came down to Southern California to see my family and my cousins. We went to Disneyland with him, and he wanted to bring string cheese with him for snacks. When we walked into Disneyland, he would offer us string cheese as we waited in line. 

These memories are important to me, but the ones that really stick with me is when he would show me love and just listen. I had a breakup that was really difficult, and he would just listen to me and I would just cry. He would talk to me about my grandma. I wanted to have a love so strong like their relationship, and it gave me hope that one day I would find it. The heartache I felt in that moment was shared by his loneliness of having his wife gone. He eventually married me and my husband, and that was the sweetest experience to have him there. 

He supported me by showing up to my events and would sometimes go to campus events with me. One time I had a piano concert I was a part of, and he came. It meant so much to me, since I didn't have anyone else show up. He told me how proud he was and how my grandma would have been so proud. I once went to a music event on campus, and he came with me as my "date". It felt like I was walking with a celebrity as the school staff knew him. 

I wish I could go back and tell my 18 year old self that going to BYU Idaho would change my future in more than academic ways. The memories I had with my grandpa will always be there with me. They are precious to me, and irreplaceable. 

How does one say goodbye? In my religion, we believe in having eternal families. I know my relationship with my grandparents will continue to exist after death and that I will see them again. I know his love will never leave, and he can still show me love after his death. But going to Rexbug will never be the same. Rexburg was my grandpa. It was walking into my grandparents house on a snowy cold day, and having my grandpa ask me how my day was. It was a safe haven. It was a safe haven for so many others. 

I'm happy for my grandpa to reunite with my grandma. I remember all of chats, and one in particular where he talked about the loneliness he felt after my grandma's passing. I am so beyond happy for him to reunite with her. I know it will be a beautiful moment for them. But, I will miss him here. 

So, I will hold on to my daughter tonight in a different way if she wakes up teething. Life on earth is not permanent, but the legacy we leave with our families is. I"ll try to love more like my grandpa, and be the one who is ready to welcome others with a full heart.