When Hair Became More than Hair: Overcoming Shame

This may be the hardest post I have ever written, as I feel like I am doing a confession. Really, I am hoping this will help remove some of the shame I experience.

I have found that telling stories helps with connection and helps reduce shame, as Brené Brown often mentions. Shame loves to live in silence and seclusion. It often tells you that letting others know about your world will bring more judgment, disappointment, and rejection. This often creates a shame cycle, where the shame leads you to increase your negative thought cycles and behaviors.

So, this is me hoping that it breaks my shame cycle.

I have struggled with trichotillomania for a long time, and it has ebbed and flowed since my mid-twenties. Very few people I have talked to about this, since I thought that letting others know I experience this would create more judgment. I have lots of negative thoughts about this behavior, and I'm learning to reframe it and accept it as something that has served a purpose.

If you’ve seen K-Pop Demon Hunters, I feel like this blog post is very much like me walking into the stadium showing my marks, like in the song “This Is What It Sounds Like.” I'm not a demon, but this hidden part of me has felt like that.

What is trichotillomania?

Trichotillomania is a mental health disorder that is categorized under the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) section of the DSM. It consists of pulling hair, with urges to pull hair that feel uncontrollable. It can vary in severity, and it can involve hair all over the body or specific areas.

How does/did trichotillomania affect my life?

It started after college with an unknown trigger. The best way I can explain it is that the perfectionism I felt about my grades and academics transferred to perfectionism with my hair. Any strand of hair that was different or had a split end, I would find.

Trichotillomania is often a tool to help with stress management, anxiety, and handling discomfort. The sensation of pulling provides a feeling of tension followed by relief. The body learns that this provides some sense of reward, and the more you do it, the more it becomes a coping mechanism.

Any behavior can become a coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are just how we respond to stress. In my case, I found that pulling my hair relieved my stress temporarily. Unfortunately, it led to more stress in the long term.

For years, I have felt less than, not worthy, not beautiful, or sometimes broken. It has led me to stress out about finding someone I felt comfortable with to cut my hair. That was the biggest struggle, and sometimes I still feel that. It has led to withdrawal and to me not taking pictures of myself, because I'm afraid I won't look good in them. It created a sense of paranoia that everyone was looking at my hair, judging, or noticing imperfections. While in reality, most people really don’t care about your hairstyle or hair length.

It created an unhealthy narrative and relationship with my hair. My hair was no longer just a part of my body—it became tied to my self-worth, my beauty, and much more. There was a push and pull where my thoughts would go from, “You need to stop and get help,” to “Don’t let others know, hide it.” This shame cycle felt like I was on a rollercoaster with my thoughts about my body.

I wanted to find some type of control over my body and thoughts.

Learning How to Better Handle Discomfort

Recently, I have been listening to different parenting books, and they have been really helpful in helping me better understand my kids and my interactions with them. As I’ve been reading, I realized that I need to apply what they say to myself—about acceptance, reframing, giving grace, and resilience.

I have never accepted that trichotillomania is part of my past and present. The desire and attempt to hide only make it worse. My self-talk about it only makes it worse. I can learn how to better tolerate discomfort and break these behavioral and neurological chains that have been established. Believing that possibility is the key to helping me move forward.

So, this blog post is the beginning of a new way of looking at this behavior in my life. I am not strange. I am not the weird person with the ugly hair. I am a human learning how to better tolerate discomfort. I am a brave soul trying to break a negative cycle.

This is my new narrative.