Strong Like My Son: Reflections on Body Image and Grace

A Comment in the Bathroom

I’m beginning this blog with two stories from this past week.

I’m in the bathroom helping my son wash his hands at BJ's for my birthday dinner, and the woman next to me says kindly, “Congratulations.” I look at her, confused, and then I realize she thinks I’m pregnant. I tell her I’ve had a baby, and she says, “I’m sorry,” and walks away. I’m not upset since I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me with the comment, but I look in the mirror and wonder if I do look pregnant.

The Mirror at the Gym

I went to the gym today and look in the mirror, and I think again of that experience. I’m not happy with how my body looks. I look and see fat. My clothes don’t fit the way I want them to fit. I get on the treadmill and do my warm-up, then I try to run, but my body feels tired. I try to power through, but I listen to my body and settle into a fast walk while watching a show. I’m glad I listen to my body, but also disappointed that I’m too tired to do my usual run.

After I pick up the kids from kids club, I start to think about why I’m not happy with how my body looks. I do a reframe, and it sticks for a couple of minutes. I look at my daughter, who is one, and she is healthy. They tell me when I pick her up about how she has a healthy appetite and how active she is today. I weaned her off after nursing her for a year just a week ago. I look at my son, and he is healthy and big. I remind myself how incredible my body is—that it helps create these two humans and then provides the nutrients they need through breastfeeding for a year.

I tell myself that I don’t need to have a flat tummy to have value or be beautiful.

It clicks—until I see another mirror.
And I’m back to being unhappy with how I look.

Reflections on Reframing

This is the cycle I keep getting stuck in, and I know I’m not the only one who ever feels this way—or who will in the future.

As a therapist, I love a good reframe. Reframing is a great skill to help us train our thoughts to be kind to ourselves or to show us a new perspective. I can teach reframing all day to one of my clients, and I can practice it when I have a dysfunctional (or, as I say, not helpful) thought. Yet today, I constantly reframe while I’m at the gym. I get really frustrated that my reframe won’t stick.

Why can’t I accept my body the way it is now?
Why can’t I find the good in it now?

I come home, and as I put the kids to bed, I find myself looking up weight loss strategies. Then I decide to use ChatGPT to see what it says, and it’s actually very helpful and kind. The first thing it does is show grace—to me. It reminds me that losing weight after having a second child—especially after weaning off breastfeeding—takes time. It emphasizes that hormonal changes after weaning impact weight loss. It’s another good reminder to give myself grace and to reframe how amazing it is that a body can create and sustain life.

Motherhood, Mantras, and Mirrors

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I try to increase my general health and be more active. When my son stops napping, I need a break, so friends recommend getting a gym membership. It gives me an hour of quiet time where I can finally be alone. I can listen to my own music or watch a show. I start running again, and I remember how much exercise supports my mental health.

One day while I’m getting ready for the gym, my son asks, “Mom, why do you go to the gym?” I answer, “Because I want to be healthy.” He then starts talking about his desire to be a healthy and strong big kid. He talks about how he needs to eat healthy to be strong and how he wants to get better at riding his bike to be even stronger.I love his mantra- I'm a big, strong boy. 

 I reflect on how the language we use about our bodies impacts our kids and the people around us. Do you remember in middle/high school how everyone would look in the mirror and say one thing they hated about their body? “My thighs are big.” “I don’t like my stomach.” When one girl says it, it starts a pattern for others to follow.

I don’t ever say how I don’t like how I look to my son for that same reason. I don’t want him to talk about his body in a self-critical way. I want him to have a healthy outlook on his body. I don’t want him to associate being strong or skinny with his self-worth. 

Talking to Myself Like I Talk to My Kids

I think I just need to talk to myself the way I talk to my son or daughter about their bodies. I need to have the same intention and the same goal that I hope for them—for me.

When my son talks about how strong he is because he can push my daughter in the stroller, I can tell myself how strong I am—that I have the strength and endurance to take care of my kids.

This journey of reframing doesn’t happen all at once. But today, I’m learning to extend to myself the same grace I give my kids. That’s where real strength begins.

How do you talk to yourself when no one else is listening?
Would you say the same things to your child or best friend?